(✿˵◕‿◕˵) Flatten My Curve, Senpai

  
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Trailblazers: The First Two Men To Ever Do A Podcast

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This week's guests (in order of appearance) are:


Everyone Seems Pretty Horny Right Now

This is going to be the predominate theme of this week’s issue. So, if you’re not lost deep in the depths of quarantine horny madness, maybe come back next week. Or listen to this week’s podcast episode! It’s — well, actually, it is kind of horny, too, tbh, but it’s less horny than what follows here in this newsletter.

OK, Let’s Check In On How 4chan Is Handling The Outbreak

Cool, carry on, lads.

How Are Your Quarantine Provisions Looking?

Here’s A New Fetish Thing I Just Learned About

A very nice Garbage Day subscriber named Sally sent me this DeviantArt page by user theo64721. Apparently, theo64721 is really into the idea of women floating. Sally did a bit of research on how this whole fetish works. Which is great because with everything going on right now, I’m not sure I have the emotional fortitude to really pull this one apart.

“This man photoshops celebrity women floating in the air,” she told me. “He has stories attached all of the images explaining why they're up there. The more you read the more you'll find he has an elaborate set of rules about which women fly, which women float, and which can't do either. (Did you know, as women age they can no longer fly because it hurts their bones? I found that out surfing this account too long and now my brain is irreversibly damaged.)”

Thanks for damaging your brain for the good of the newsletter, Sally! We salute your sacrifice.

Good Tweet

Speaking Of Animal Crossing

It seems like a lot of you are playing Animal Crossing right now. [Obligatory plug: there’s a whole segment about the game in this week’s podcast episode.] From what I can tell, the entire staff of The Verge have all had their brains turned to pleasant pastel-colored slime by the game. I don’t know much about the game other then that the way people tweet about it seems very Wild Wild Country. Also, I’m unclear if Tom Nook is a fascist and whether or not Isabelle the dog has a drinking problem. Normal questions about a normal game. The meme above comes from “anti-imperialist collectivist” blog that I think is run by a furry btw.

Please Help Me, My Sister Won’t Stop Terrorizing Me With Wood Memes

One of the weirder revelations to come out of the coronavirus pandemic for me is that it turns out the thing inside of me that craves the thrill of sending people really awful memes is apparently genetic. My sister has been terrorizing me for WEEKS now with Wood memes. Most of them are extremely NSFW and I’ve tried to keep a pretty strict “no outright pornography in the newsletter” rule. So I made an Imgur folder [NSFW!] of all the memes. Enter at your own risk.

If you haven’t seen a Wood meme yet, they’ve become extremely popular during the coronavirus outbreak, for some reason. VICE did a really good write-up about Wood, the pornstar behind the memes. The sad news is he actually died several years.

Then I figured I'd go the most obvious route and email the website's support address, explaining the prank texts and that I'd love to be connected to Wood to chat about it. Five hours later Walter Smith, the owner of Pantheon Productions, responded: "I'm sorry to hear that Wood's image has been used in such a way. It's quite shameful. Unfortunately, Wood passed away several years ago. Our images from him are from 2011."

I’m unclear why Wood has become the official meme of the outbreak, but he has. As I said last week, with this many people home spending all day on the internet, I expect things to only get weirder from here.

Word On The Street Is Someone Wrote A Corona-Senpai FanFic

I did some digging and have yet to find this fanfic, but the fact it’s out there is really troubling. If any of you encounter it in the wild, please send it my way.

I’m Sure You’ve All Wondered — How Are Furries Coping With COVID-19?

Well, now we know. This comes courtesy of my friend Cates. Thank you, Cates.

Things Are Really Kicking Off In The Third Amendment Fandom

There’s a lot happening here, so let’s take this step by step. This incredible rabbit hole was discovered by Twitter user @MNateShyamalan. Here we go:

  • There is a Facebook group called “Third Amendment Rights Supporters”.

  • The third amendment, if you’re not familiar, is: “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.” It’s not talked about a lot.

  • Apparently, the “Third Amendment Rights Supporters” group is dominated by a power user named Jim Amendments.

  • And the other users in the group are constantly attacking Jim Amendments.

The group has become really popular after @MNateShyamalan’s tweet about it. The current top post is “Soldiers can have a little consent to quarter in my house in times of peace or war, in a manner to be prescribed by law, as a treat.”

Also, apparently Jim Amendments saw the tweets about the group and is now on Twitter. Keep fighting the good fight, Mr. Amendments.

And Finally, Something Peaceful

March 18, 2020

Just nice and calming. Not horny at all.

P.S. here’s a really good thread about why Triscuits are called Triscuits.


***Any typos you find in this email are on purpose actually***