This week's guests (in order of appearance) are:
No one! Just me and Luke this week (sorry).
First, An Extremely Good Instagram Video
I’m not sure what it says about my current mental state, but this corgi lip-syncing the audio for a Filipino Dominos Pizza ad made me cry. Anyways!
Here’s An Important Quarantined BBC Sports Announcer Update
I’ve already talked about the incredible videos being made by BBC sports broadcaster Andrew Cotter while he’s in quarantine, but this new one is really just an absolute banger. His dogs are named Olive and Mabel and I love them.
A Truly Incredible TikTok Video
For those of you that don’t have the patience to get to the end of this video — SPOILER ALERT: He dies, becomes an angel, protects her from a thug trying to attack her, and then appears to ascend to heaven at the end? Not totally clear, but it’s dope as hell. This kid’s name is Miguel Mase and while folks on English-speaking Twitter are dunking on him creating what is one of the most wild pieces of internet video ever made, the joke is really on us, because he has 3.6 million followers on TikTok. “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it,” etc, etc.
If you’re looking for more incredibly melodramatic international TikTok content, I highly recommend the Facebook page Boys who Cry passionately on Musically India, a few former members of BuzzFeed India turned it on to me a few years ago. My personal favorite is this one where the guy shows up at his ex-girlfriend’s wedding to film himself crying and dramatically walking away.
The Redditor That Forgot What Crabs Are
I saw this on my Tumblr dash and I was extremely curious to see what the rest of this thread was like. The responses are amazing. It’s a lot people who actually had a similar question to me — wouldn’t it have been easier to just google this?
“Is it though? Google requires you to search for something, and if you don’t know what the thing is called you can’t exactly type it in.”
“That's what tells me OP is a decent human, cuz they see these little fellows as themselves”
“I thought of like 6 different bugs and shrimp and I don't even know what else... Then I read the top post of Crabs.. and thought of course it's fucking crabs...”
Oh, the best part, the user who posted this is called -PISS_BOT- and according to his user history, this is one of the two things he’s ever posted on Reddit. The other thing was about Fortnite skins.
Alright, Let’s Talk About The Animal Crossing Nudes Scandal
There’s honestly so much wildly unhinged Animal Crossing content happening right now that I could do an entire second newsletter about it. Here’s a small taste of how the discourse has evolved in the past few weeks:
I don’t know who Raymond is, but apparently a lot of people really care about him and get extremely upset when he’s not being treated right???
Anyways, I saw this absolutely cursed tweet earlier this week and immediately needed to learn more about what was happening.
Someone once described things like this as “one of the tips of the massive and awful icebergs floating beneath the surface of the internet.” Twitter user @wedntmniall had the original post and boy is it good. Behold:
I’m not sure how the in-game economy of Animal Crossing works. If anyone has a good bells=dollars conversion guide for me, that would be super helpful. Thank you. Apparently, though, 12mil bells is NOT enough for nudes. Anyways, there’s more!
RIP skank Jason 2020.
OK, Wait, One More Animal Crossing Thing
This tweet hit me like a 2x4 to the face. I obviously needed to figure out if this was bull shit or not. Here’s what I’ve got for you:
It looks like this is referring to the CIA’s “November 2017 Release of Abbottabad Compound Material”
It contains files from a computer which had emulators saved to a drive that included Resident Evil, Animal Crossing: Wild World, Super Mario Bros, and Counter-Strike.
You can download his Animal Crossing save file here (direct download link).
A bunch of people have tried to load it, but it seems to be incompatible with most ROMs.
Here’s a good Reddit thread one it, according to one user, “I have tried 3 different DS simulators and NOT ONE has gotten this save load to work it's just not formatted correctly if someone could format it to an NDS file then i COULD load it and make it work.”
A 4chan User Comes Up With the “Shopping Cart Litmus Test Of Self-Governance”
OK, One More 4chan Thing
My head canon is that the 4chan user who forgot about soup cum and the Redditor who forgot what crabs are actually quarantined together and suffering from the same carbon monoxide leak.
Alright, In Case You Haven’t Already Seen The Bug’s Life Fleshlight…
Here’s the thing. I always feel a bit conflicted when I cover things that are weird on purpose. You know what I mean? For instance, the fact this fleshlight based off the character Heimlich from A Bug’s Life was created by Austin-based artist Malek Lazri means it’s a lot less funny than if like some deranged lunatic had just made it to make it.
I am aware this is a lot of internal reflection over a fleshlight.
But it is awful! And the guy who made it did make it essentially for no reason. So… He told VICE he made it by filling a clay mold with silicone and then coloring it with permanent markers. He said he got the idea from a meme that was circulating online a few months ago, of the caterpillar as a screaming Fleshlight. "I just thought it would be so great to make that a reality, to make it in real life" he said. "I put my own little spin on it."
Lazri was selling the fleshlight on eBay and Craigslist and it seems like someone may have purchased it, which is incredible because he was selling the horrific thing for $2000. If you want to see what this thing looks like IRL, here’s a video.
***All typos in this email are on purpose actually***