BIGGER THAN BEFORE

Read to the end for a cool Instagram video

Aug 2, 2019

First Up, A Cool And Normal Thing

Have you ever wished your anime boyfriend could hug you with his giant arms? Well, now he can! Here are two bluetooth-enabled speakers embedded in a pair of giant arms that are perfect for hugging you. It’s a promotion for a Japanese RPG called Hero Of Maidens. The game is aimed at young women and apparently you get to play as various beautiful men who save the world through love. That’s how I like to think about my Twitter account, tbh.

Look how happy she is!

Second Up, We Have An #EpicWin For Brands

jack wagner @jackdwagner

new fav instagram sponsored post: a guy flexing at ground zero while leaning on the list of people who died in 9/11

I wanted to get some more information about this truly fantastic #Branded opportunity. Here’s what I’ve learned: This dude’s name is Kevin De Clercq and he’s Belgian. He describes himself as an “influencer/blogger” and he’s currently in NYC. There are references on his Instagram to dancing, but after scrolling through a bunch of his photos, before I got bored, I couldn’t actually find anything that shows him dancing. Also, I’m not 100% sure this post is actually branded by Dior. I think he’s just using the Dior tag to tell his followers that he’s wearing Dior sunglasses. Thanks, Kevin!

Now, Let’s Get Bigger Than Before

jon.porter @JonPorty

Guess we might as well follow this thing through to it's logical conclusion

Jon Porter, a reporter for The Verge, decided to recreate the Bigger Than Before egg video. If you’re unfamiliar with the Bigger Than Before egg, you can catch up on the whole thing here. TL;DR, a Facebook paged called 5-Minute Crafts put an egg in a bunch of different liquids to make it bigger. Duh. I assume 5-Minute Crafts are run by an alien race that is trying to study human behavior and if we watch enough of their videos they’ll decide we’re finally ready for First Contact.

Porter, followed the instruction of the Bigger Than Before video and documented the process. One thing to point out here is that Porter is in the UK, so it’s possible his eggs are different than our eggs.

“The shell doesn't seem to be disintegrating,” he tweeted. “And I'm wondering if it's because eggs in the EU have more of a protective layer than those in the US, so the vinegar can't seep through.”

Haha what an absolutely disgusting sentence, Jon. The whole thing ends with a completely horrid video. Here it is!

jon.porter @JonPorty

Just one more thing...

Next, An Update

Last week, we discussed the Tumblr community’s obsession with the terrible CGI coming out of Hollywood right now.

I’m excited to say that the Tumblr kids may have finally figured out what it all means. Take a gander at this:

We’re still missing about four movies in there, but we’re definitely getting closer to a unified spectrum of terrible CGI. Or maybe it’s a spectrum of furry CGI humanoids? Not sure. If you have any thoughts on how to finish this chart, hit me up.

Alright, Here’s A Gamer Thing

🌸Dani🌸( •̀ω•́ ) @MemeQueenTwitch

I dated a guy with the same name as my brother and when we had sex I refused to moan his name so I moaned his gamertag

There’s a lot to unpack here and, well, I refuse to unpack any of it.

Oh, Here’s Another Gamer Thing

I’m not sure if anyone who reads this is a Team Fortress 2 player, but the TF2 community has had a hell of a week. I’m going to attempt to explain this, but I should note, before I jump in, that I don’t play video games because I’m an adult. Anyways, here’s what happened:

TF2 got its first update in about 7 months.
This update affected the drop rate of “crates,” which are boxes that players can get that contain all kinds of different items.
There is an entire in-game economy built around rare crates or “unusuals”.
The update this week created a bug that made rare items have a 100% drop rate.
Which has created a financial crisis.

This economic downturn is being called the Crate Depression, which is very clever.
It’s also not entirely clear how you fix the problem.
The TF2 subreddit is going nuts about it.
And it’s resulted in some truly incomprehensible memes.

Sure why not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Speaking Of Gamers, Here’s Where You Can Game While Getting A Vasectomy

I’m unclear how or why I came across this year-old Facebook post for a vasectomy clinic this week, but here we are. Apparently, Northern California Vasectomy has “in-room entertainment” which they insist will “make your experience as pleasant as possible!” Cool.

This post has a lot of really good comments. Here are my favorites:

“Whoever is in charge of this page is #winning!”
“I been thinkin about it for a while.. and now I gotta fly to goddamn CA to get my tots tied.”
“As long as I see Bayonetta, I might schedule one”
“Play smash bros while you get your bros smashed👍🏻”
“Time 2 get peepee snipped”
“Omg that's my brother in that photo lol”

Truly fantastic. I’m actually changing my theory, I’m now thinking that the alien race that makes the 5-Minute Crafts videos is also running this clinic and is using video games as a way to lure men into getting vasectomies as part of their plan to conquer our planet.

P.S. here’s that cool Instagram video.

***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***

Garbage Day