Guy Fieri Roaming A Nuclear Wasteland In Flaming Red Power Armor

Read to the end for a pic of three cute boys

First, Let’s Talk About The Redditor That Sucked His Own Dick

A Redditor named u/throwawayy_farawayy who wrote a post on r/TIFU this week called “TIFU deepthroating myself in front of my new assistant.” The story is a doozy. Here’s what you need to know:

  • He’s a 37-year-old film editor who is in a casual relationship with a kind of freaky 26-year-old.

  • He does a lot of yoga and has “an above average sized dick” and he’s been able to suck it for many years.

  • His 26-year-old sexual partner is really into it.

  • She convinces him to perform this trick at her friend’s bachelorette party.

  • So he sucks his own dick in front of a group of women.

  • They all start chanting “cum in your mouth!”

  • He cums in his own mouth.

  • “Now to be clear,” he clarifies in the post. “I normally don't do this. I have before, lol, but it's not my thing. But I'm the entertainment, and I aim to please.”

  • He gets up and who’s in the crowd? His brand new assistant!

  • She runs out of the room and leaves the party.

u/throwawayy_farawayy drew a diagram if you’re curious.

Great. That’s very useful. Thank you.

The thread is a complete trainwreck, with most of the commenters mainly wondering if he’s gay or bi, which resulted in u/throwawayy_farawayy posting a bunch of really incredible updates, including:

  • “EDIT 4: Yes, they were staring at my butthole. I'm well groomed, no one seemed to mind.”

  • “Pretty sure being gay or bi involves being attracted to and/or having sexual experiences with people of the same sex. It's my own dick…”

  • “By your logic, all of you have given thousands and thousands of handjobs and ew, you've touched a dick like 10 times today at least.”

  • “A handjob obviously doesn't feel the same as jerking off. Kissing your own hand feels different than someone else kissing your hand, etc. etc.”

Luckily for us, u/throwawayy_farawayy then wrote a second post with even more updates! He said he confronted his assistant at work, apologized, and they both had a good laugh about it. But they aren’t really read to make eye contact with each other just yet, apparently. Makes sense.

Next Up, Nuclear Apocalypse Ghoul Fieri

A few years back a Tumblr user named siderealsandman wrote a post describing a dream they had about Guy Fieri.

I had a dream Guy Fieri survived the nuclear apocalypse as a ghoul and roamed the world in a suit of flaming red power armor looking for the wasteland’s greatest diners drive ins and dives

It went pretty viral and actually inspired another Tumblr user named schmault-tec to actually draw Ghoul Fieri.

Hell yeah.

Well, dear reader, I have some exciting news for you. It looks like schmault-tec was actually able to meet the real Guy Fieri recently and, well…

Incredible. Also, as another user pointed out, Fieri drew more flames around Ghoul Fieri. Fucking rad.

Alright, Evangelion Stuff

With Neon Genesis Evangelion being added to Netflix this week, it’s been really exciting to find out what people do and do not know about Evangelion meme culture. Google “sad cum” if you’d like to dive head first into it. The above video is my personal favorite slice of Evangelion madness. It’s a masterpiece.

If you’ve watched the show and are looking for some good explainers about what the fuck it is you just watched, here’s some good stuff:

  • For basic comprehension, the best explanation of the show’s incredibly complicated lore can be found in this Reddit post from 2013, the user breaks it down into Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

  • If you’re looking an intro into how to understand the various iterations and spin-offs and remakes, head over to evageeks and read up on the Quantum Rei theory.

  • Also check out this absolutely gorgeous Tumblr about Evangelion theory.

  • As for new stuff that’s come out, IGN has a really good breakdown of how the show was produced and how that influenced the creation of the show.

  • And finally, my buddy Gene over at the Washington Post wrote a real great article about Evangelion and depression.

Oh, and if you have any thoughts about who is Best Girl — Rei or Asuka — allow me to direct you to a famous 4chan post on the subject:

Now, Some Food Math

Earlier this week a Twitter user name @mattyjstock tweeted at the British supermarket chain Tesco, asking about a bizarre expiry date on his "burger relish”.

Tesco replied, saying they actually had no idea.

After a bit of back and forth, Tesco finally came back with an answer for @mattyjstock.

The metric system is wild.

Lastly, Here’s A Group Where Everyone Pretends to Be A Boomer

Not sure if you know about the larger trend of absurdist roleplay Facebook groups, but they’re totally a thing. There’s “a group where we all pretend to be scene,” “A Group Where You Can Only Say Yikes,” and even “a group where we all pretend to be farmers and cows”. Apparently, 12 people are in a closed group called “a group where we all cum on the same pic of Michael Cera”. Going to let that one stay closed.

The above group is really great (and doesn’t involve semen or Michael Cera). It’s exactly what it sounds like. Twitter user @manhattanna shared some incredible examples:

I;m thinking about thos Beans.

Wait, OK. Holy Shit. Good Lord.

Right before I hit publish today, I tweeted out, asking for a gross or insane thing I should include this week. I felt like I really hadn’t found a true banger for you guys. I got a few great submissions. One person sent me a picture of the Incredible Hulk having sex with a car. Someone else sent me a picture of Piranha Plant with a huge thick ass. Twitter user @M_Birnbaum, however, sent me something truly unspeakable. They told me to search “pamps to snoof” on Twitter and oh my GOD.

I’m not going to embed any of the images, but it turns out “pamps to snoof” is diaper fetishist slang for “used diapers to smell” and if you click this link you will be pulled into a nightmare for which there is no waking from.

P.S. here’s that pic of three cute boys.

***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***