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I'm Not Going To Talk About The Vita Coco Piss Jar

Read to the end for cute video of a flying fox eating watermelon

First, A Game Of Thrones Thing

This video isn’t exactly a rare find or anything, it was made by Vanity Fair. But I think it’s delightful. Even though we’re deep into the last week of our ongoing national nightmare that is the final season of Game Of Thrones, it’s important to remember that the show used to actually be competently made. The video above is David J. Peterson, the dude who invented the show’s many made-up languages, being extremely nit-picky and intense about how people are supposed to speak his made-up languages. There’s a lot to like here, including…

  • How critical he is about the clips where normal people try and speak his made-up languages.

  • His whole rambling tangent about how different Valyrian dialects evolved.

  • How impressed he is with how good Greyworm is at speaking Valyrian.

  • The fact The Office came up with a way to construct Dothraki grammar that he hadn’t considered. He went on to name it the “Shrutian compound”.

  • How dismayed he seems about the fact Dothraki never became the next Klingon.

In all seriousness, though, Peterson is really amazing at this stuff. He used to have a really great Tumblr that’s definitely worth a scroll.

Up Second, We Have Another Game Of Thrones Thing

Artist Benjamin Dewey illustrated a bunch of things he wished had happened in the last season. Head over to his Instagram to see the full set. Most of them will probably make you pretty sad. We never got our damn ice spider/direwolf showdown.

And Finally, One Last Game Of Thrones Thing

I’m not sure if casual Game Of Thrones fans know this, but George R. R. Martin used to be a prolific LiveJournal user. Last year, he switched over to a real blog. It turns out that while the entire world was imploding about whether or not Dany should have torched King’s Landing (More 👏🏻 women 👏🏻 should 👏🏻 commit 👏🏻 war 👏🏻 crimes 👏🏻) Martin was doing what he does best: blogging about stupid bull shit instead of writing new chapters.

“At the Q&A following the premiere of the new TOLKIEN film in Los Angeles last week, I did indeed say that Gandalf could kick Dumbledore’s ass,” Martin wrote on his blog this week. “Gandalf COULD kick Dumbledore’s ass. I mean, duh. He’s a maia, folks. Next best thing to a demigod. Gandalf dies and come back. Dumbledore dies and stays dead.”

Haha reading these books was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my entire life.

Right, Next Up, A Gay Icon

Shout out to the Tumblr user bigfatmeananti for being the first person to figure out that Mr. Ratburn from Arthur was gay. For further reading on this subject, here’s a “comprehensive list of gay rats and mice in children’s media”. You’re move, Pinky and The Brain.

OK, Here’s A Deeply Upsetting Wikipedia Page

This screenshot comes from a Wikipedia entry called “Animegao kigurumi,” or “dollers,” which is a type of cosplay where people dress up like anime characters, but like, go all the way with it. So that they look like a doll. Apparently, you want to make sure none of your skin is visible. Cool. Well, now you can impress everyone at the next party you go to by explaining all of this in great detail.

Now, Your Weekly Sonic Update

This is from a Tumblr post called “the sonic movie trailer but it’s miku in her sonic fursuit” and, uh, it’s exactly what it says on the tin.

Next, Some Drama

That about sums it up really.

WARNING: Here Are Two Genuinely Awful Tweets

I refuse to embed them. I almost didn’t even want to include them in this, but ever since I read them yesterday, I’ve felt twinges of physical pain as they drift back into my stream of consciousness. I’m worried that I might have to live the rest of my life with these two horrible sentences forever embedded in the back of my mind. And if I have to suffer, so should you. Good luck.

Before You Leave, A Damn Good Post

This VICE Canada piece on Homestuck is unreal. The author, Michael Lutz, does an incredible job of both explaining both what the hell Homestuck is about and also explaining why it matters. I confess I have tried and failed several times to read Homestuck. But I have had the unique misfortune of seeing several pairs of Homestuck cosplayers make out behind a Sbarro at New York Comic Con so hard their gray face paint was rubbing off so I feel like that’s enough. Anyways, here’s a passage from Lutz’s piece that really blew my mind:

The blank space of the internet’s broad possibility meant, for one, that our society’s worst attitudes could coagulate anywhere—and they did, becoming part of the resurgence of reactionary violence worldwide. Standing above it all are supposedly-singular individuals with unimaginable wealth and power, who avow that they alone are competent enough to control the technologies through which we make and remake our social realities. What happened when a bunch of kids decided to play a game together online? They created a world. We created a world. And I’m sorry we didn’t do better.

Finally, A Eulogy

I’ve met a few famous internet animals. I’ve met Lil Bub, Doge, Princess Monster Truck, that bull dog that skateboards. And I also met Grumpy Cat. Both times I got to see her it was part of one of those weird “hey come look at this famous internet animal” meet-and-greets that used to happen at media startups back when media startups had venture capital and before the internet turned everyone’s uncle into a white nationalist. I don’t have a ton of insight into what Grumpy Cat’s life was like beyond those two glimpses, but I can tell you the following:

  • She seemed as happy as a physically deformed cat can seem.

  • Her fur was incredibly soft.

  • She seemed to not hate people coming up to pet her.

  • Like the Mona Lisa, I was always surprised by how tiny she was in person.

  • Her family, even at the height of the Grumpy Cat monetization machine, seemed to love her very much.

To play her out, here’s a real good YTMND.

P.S. here’s that video of a Flying Fox.

***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***

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