First up, A Cursed Sandwich
I didn’t include a gross food thing last week, so I thought I’d make it up to you with a good one this week. This was posted by Tumblr user big-beef-boy. It has no real context to it other than the tags #mine and #food. Which are both troubling and debatable. It made a big splash. People are pretty upset, obviously. From what I can tell, it’s ham? And American cheese? Inside of an ice cream sandwich. Hmm.
Here’s a good meme about it:
Second Up, A Virtual Reality Baptism
This is an absolutely wild video titled, “Real Pastor In Virtual Reality Baptizes An Anime Girl”. It follows a Christian pastor named DJ Soto as he baptizes a hot anime girl named Drumsy while a Winnie The Pooh avatar watches.
The story behind the baptism is actually pretty sweet. Soto said he does genuine baptisms in VR, mainly to help disabled parishioners. He seems like a really good guy. Come for the anime girl baptism, stay for the genuinely interesting interview.
“We’re just a small VR church doing our thing,” Soto says in the video. “We can just be real authentic with each other. There’s no judgement.”
Next, Are Furbies Are Kosher?
The Tumblr community has been really into dream discourse recently. I blame the popularity of the Once I Dreamt account. Recently, (like a few months ago) a Tumblr user named hymnsofheresy described a very interesting dream they had.
i just woke up from a dream where i was being interrogated by a bunch of people asking me if “furbies are kosher” firstly…. im not jewish. secondly……..what the fuck
Then hymnsofheresy reblogged themselves and added an update.
please stop sending me asks pertaining to the kosher status of furbies. i really do not know. this was just a manifestation of my subconscious. im assuming that they are not kosher because furbies aren’t even food. but who knows! ask a rabbi, if you must.
The whole debate around whether or not Furbies are kosher was settled, though — at least within the Tumblr community — when a user named natashatroyka wrote that Furbies are not only unkosher, they something much worse.
Jew here! Furbies are actually worse than unkosher–they are not permissible as food, even for gentiles. This is because the Torah teaches that it is forbidden for any human to eat the meat of an animal that is still alive, and the Furby cannot die.
Then hymnsofheresy replied.
hi this is the most ominous description of a furby i have ever heard
I’m not a Rabbinical scholar, but if any of my readers are give me a shout and let me know if this sounds right.
Now, Let’s Do Some Math
Verified (!) Pornhub commenter HertogJ recently came up with a very interesting way to think about time: Shreks. One Shrek is 1hr 35min. Let’s try this out:
Jesus died on the cross 10,987,368.42 Shreks ago
The Fall Of Rome was 8,536,842.1 Shreks ago
World War 2 was 442,631.57 Shreks ago
And global warming will most likely kill us all in about 171,473.69 Shreks
All of this math could be very wrong. If you want to check out the original comment and aren’t at your work computer right now, here’s a link to a Reddit thread which has a link to the NSFW original Pornhub link. I want to hold off a few more weeks before I’m literally just linking to porn in this newsletter.
Alright, Here’s Dance Moms ASMR
A Twitter user named @altdoly has been making incredible ASMR dubs of famous scenes from reality TV. She did the iconic spitting scene from Flavor Of Love, Sammi vs. JWoww from Jersey Shore, and the don’t be fucking rude scene from Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I think we should start petition to have her start dubbing over full seasons of Vanderpump Rules.
Before You Go, A Discussion About Boundaries
I’ve been thinking about this r/Relationships post for days now. It’s called, “My husband put his dick in my cup of water, and didn’t tell me.” I think it’s opened new pathways in my brain. Here are some important excerpts:
The other night after sex, as my husband and I were getting up and dressed, I asked if he could grab me a glass of ice water. He was on his way out of the room, and said sure. He wasn’t mad about it, and sex was fine. We weren’t fighting and had been having a pretty good week.
As I walk into the kitchen he hands me the glass of water.
I don’t know what came over me, but I got this sixth sense, I don’t know how else to describe it. Maybe it was his shiteating grin, but I flat out asked him, did you put your dick in this?
He looked shocked and taken aback by my question and for a split second I thought maybe I was being an idiot.
He then says, how did you know?!?!
Being married seems bad. Here are some good comments:
Holy shit, like this is bizarre. And you said right after sex? That is so unhygenic. You are not overreacting, this is dissrespectful."
A grown man put his trouser snake into a glass of water that his wife kindly asked for. This is why aliens won't talk to us.
Wait, Look At This Clam Chowder Popsicle
“I did not make or eat the thing,” the user, who declined to be identified, told Boston Magazine in a Reddit direct message. “My friend made it. I have no idea why she did it.”
The Bruins may have lost the Stanley Cup final, but Boston, as a city, will never be defeated.
OK, Finally, Gooigi
At E3 this week, Nintendo announced that in Luigi’s Mansion 3, you’ll be able to play as Gooigi, which is like Luigi, I guess, but made of goo. I fucking hate this. According to an interview with Luigi’s Mansion 3 producer Kensuke Tanabe, Gooigi is edible.
“You’re the second person to ask if you can eat Gooigi,” Tanabe said. Which, I mean, Jesus. OK. “It’s probably like gummies so you could eat it. The actual backstory is that Professor E. Gadd extracted a bunch of energy out of the ghost that he captured, and then he accidentally spilled coffee on it, and that’s how the goo was made.”
I really fucking hate this. Anyways, here’s a bunch of tweets about Gooigi.
It doesn’t have to be like this. None of this has to be like this.
P.S. here’s that pottery video.
***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***