*nuzzles u back and pounces on u and notices your buldge* OwO whats this...?

Read to the end for a cool video of a recently divorced woman

First, A Really Good Meme

Damn, what a good meme.

Second, A Straight White Boy Returns

If you aren’t familiar with the Straight White Boy Problems Tumblr, it was one of those themed blogs that were everywhere a few years ago. It was pretty popular. It ran for years. Here’s Straight White Boy Problem #501 as a sample:

*talking to girl by the pool at a party. Im enjoying the last days of summer. my feet are in the water. I splishy splash and get her wet. these red shorts go really well with this black polo im SO glad i dont have sweat marks* i dont want summer to end!!! *bro runs at me and pushes me into pool AND my phone is in my pocket* why do you have to do that bro….*starts getting emotional* i thought…we were friends

The straight white boy behind Straight White Boy Problems retired the blog in 2017 and at the time wrote a really incredible post about how he had evolved as a person over the years:

In some ways, the straight white boy character that you became acquainted with was an exaggerated version of myself. Many of the problems were real life occurrences/observations/events that I drew from personal experience, but some problems also came from friends or were satirized to the point where the anecdote was unrealistic. Straight White Boy Problem #965 is honestly one of my personal favorites because this “problem” was actually a real situation in my life, and this situation could apply for several dudes that are questioning the meaning of masculinity.

The person that started at problem #1 is not the same person that finished with problem #1000. I was very much a self-entitled brat when I started this blog, but i have grown since then. I will be graduating college in december with a dual degree, leadership positions in student organizations, and the confidence that I can go out and do anything I set my mind to.

Well, he popped back up this week and posted Straight White Boy Problem #1001. It was worth the wait:

gave my juul to preston in the uber and he fucking lost it. i already venmo requested him for it but he never pays people back. maybe his parents never gave him a credit card?????? if thats the case……then why does he always show up to bryan’s house with a 6 pack of bud light….so confused

Growth is a process.

Next Up, Some Cool Photos

I’ve really been jonesing for some nice Stumbleupon-style internet browsing lately. Luckily, I came across these totally fascinating photos from Chernobyl on r/HistoryPorn. The one above was taken in 1983.

It wouldn’t be a Reddit post without some great discourse. However, most of the Redditors were too distracted by the flooring in the photo to really engage with its historical weight properly. Some comments:

  • “It's a very chilling incident and a tragedy on every level, but damn... that is a really nice floor.”

  • “Who the fuck tiles a floor like that??”

  • “I adore the insanity of 50's onwards Russian Design styles.”

  • “Man I thought the meltdown was the biggest disaster but look at the tile, woof.”

  • “Is that carpet or tile?”

If you’re looking for some more great stuff to scroll through, you should check out the blog where the above photo came from. Also, there is a whole subreddit for “Atomic porn”.

Speaking Of Chernobyl, Meet “Valoris”

Fun fact: Teens on Tumblr also watched HBO’s Chernobyl. Funner fact: They’re now shipping Stellan Skarsgård’s Boris Shcherbina and Jared Harris’s Valery Legasov. One of the big tags for the ship is “#Valoris”.

I mean, honestly, I guess I ship it too. They do have some real… chemistry lol.

BTW I’ve cropped this photo. If you click through you’ll see the full and very explicit version. It turns out Boris is a top.

Alright, Here’s A Broccoli Recipe

The following comes from a 4chan post called “Store Was Out Of Broccoli”.

Step 1 - Pour some green Gatorade in a small pot and set to boil.

Step 2 - Once your Gatorade is starting to boil, add cauliflower.

Step 3 - Let it sit a bit.

Step 4 - Serve!

The 4chan community was pretty excited about this:

  • “We are watching creation itself. This is how God created broccoli.”

  • “Based and broccolipilled”

  • “everyone on 4chan should be put on a terror list”

Apparently, OP ate his new broccoli with eggs and bacon.

OK, Here Are Some Sexy DMs

I thought this was a pretty good chat up line tbh. This wasn’t actually the weirdest sex thing to come across my Twitter timeline this week. That honor goes to my buddy Hussein’s piece in Mel Magazine about the men who lock their penises up in chastity devices to keep them from compulsively masturbating.

uwu *waddles up to you* could you help me hide the key to my penis cage?

Finally, Some E-Girl Fridge Drama

Belle Delphine is a British e-girl who has had a very interesting week. It all kicked off when she posted the above photo on her Instagram and now-deleted Twitter. She wrote in the caption, “you come home from work and you find me in your fridge...what do ya do?..” It caught the attention of a YouTuber named Dr Grandayy, who replied “I would be like wtf are you doing in my fridge get out or you may develop hypothermia.” Which isn’t that funny, but a bunch of 12-year-old Pewdiepie fans thought it was hilarious. It set off a whole thing. Lots of people started roasting her.

Delphine has been on everyone’s radar since Pewdiepie made a video about her in March. God all of this is so insanely boring and dumb. Maybe I should go to grad school. Get a real degree. Or what if I bought a small plot of land and just started farming. Left all of this behind. Maybe I’d be happy. Fulfilled.

Anyways!

Four days ago, Delphine posted an extremely racy Instagram photo with the caption, “If this photo gets 1 MILLION likes I'll actually make a pornhub account. The time has officially come.” It obviously got a million likes. And Delphine did end up making a Pornhub account. Except her whole channel is actually very SFW (WARNING: Delphine’s channel is SFW but the ads and thumbnails around it are not).

Everyone is writing about this “fun prank” I assume because the proliferation of cheap digital journalism has rotted our brains, turned our children into deranged nihilists, and broken our various democratic institutions.

The part I like about all of this though is that Delphine’s channel has kicked off a debate about who has the better SFW Pornhub channel, her or SFW pornstar Ryan Creamer. I’m personally Team Creamer.

P.S. here’s that cool video of a recently divorced woman. I’m told the banners from left to right read:

  • "HAPPY DIVORCE"

  • "WILDY CELEBRATING DIVORCE"

  • “END OF BITTERNESS / LET SWEETNESS BEGIN"

And that she says, “Today's the first day of my divorce! I hope everyone eats well, drinks tons, and has fun! OK? Cheers!”


***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***