First Up, The Hot Dog Milk Straw
I hate this so God damn much. Every single second of this 15 second video is worse than the last. Above is a YouTube mirror, but it originally comes from the Vulgar Chef on facebook. It was posted to the page with the title, “Ketchup Cocktail” and it’s captioned, “I am back on my bullshit.” Yes! Yes, you certainly are!!!
Right, Here’s An Interesting 4chan Comment
A lot to think about here.
Oh, Here’s Another Good 4chan Post
Try making some tuna bean for Thanksgiving next week! Let me know how it goes!
Just A Quick Remember: Only One More Week Before We Talk About The Incest Folgers Commercial
This is a warning.
OK, Let’s Talk About The Anime Wedding
I’m really happy my buddy Hussein tweeted this out before this week’s newsletter because there’s a lot to dissect here. Let’s go through this beat by beat, shall we?
At first I assumed this was going to be a typical Reddit relationship: [25f] [34m].
But it turns out she’s 31 and he’s 30! What a twist.
I love how she glosses over the fact the groom spent all of age 11 pretending to be an anime character. I’m going to guess it was like Vegeta or something.
The details of their awful anime wedding sound fine actually. I was recently at a wedding where the groom ended his speech by saying, “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.” So really, like, the sky’s the limit people.
The parents are concerned about cultural appropriation?
Doing a whole wedding ceremony in Japanese sounds tight.
The part of this that bothers me more than anything is the idea that a Harry Potter-themed wedding is some how MORE normal and LESS embarrassing than Naruto running down the aisle.
Ugh, I’m mad just thinking about people in big dumb scarves and cloaks saying “Do you Wingardium Leviosa this Slytherin to be your lawfully wedded patronus” or whatever. A bunch of people playing quidditch at the reception. Butter beer. I’m hyperventilating.
Moving On, Here’s Emo No Quid Pro Quo Trump
I’ve been trying to figure out what this sounds like. Musically and vocally, I’m thinking like Tell All Your Friends-era Taking Back Sunday. The lyrics, though, I’m actually thinking sound more like From The Depths Of Dreams-era Senses Fail? “Tell Zelenksy” sounds incredibly early-00s Jersey scene to me.
Next, This TikTok
I know that you all read this every week because you expect me to have some kind of insight into what’s included here. You open this up, and, no matter the contents, feel confident that I will be able to successfully guide you through it.
I’ll be honest. I have absolutely no fucking clue what this is. I thought it was an ad maybe? For like phone chargers? But it isn’t… it’s just this. But I’m not sure what this is. I went over to the user page, desperately looking for answers, but only have more questions. The user, angelmamii, is from NYC and describes herself as a “MODEL, ACTRESS, MUSICIAN!” The whole video feels like it was made by an algorithm. The background details provide just enough visual information that you can tell they’re in some kind of store. The height and age differences between the woman and the boy seem to indicate she’s his mom. But other than that? Nothing. It’s haunting.
So, Do Any Of You Remember This GIF?
There was this really awful moment on Tumblr in like 2013? Where Superwholock fans, 50 Shades Of Grey readers, and Tumblr’s very large (and steampunk-adjacent) S&M community glommed together into this extremely cringe kink movement. I feel like most of boiled down to sharing black and white edits of Tom Hiddleston. This GIF was EVERYWHERE at the time. I, like everyone else, assumed it was some scrawny weeb trying to do a weird sex thing. According to a Tumblr user claiming to be the guy in the GIF, that wasn’t actually the case!
I was just trying to get my work friend to come over to my house to see the funny images that I had up on my cork board. His phone service had recently expired, and the only way I could get him to see it was through Tumblr. I had done this a few times with him prior to this GIF blowing up, which soured our friendship.
I was wearing the suit because I had a formal business meeting in a couple of hours. I actually hate the daddy dom lifestyle. Please stop thinking that I’m a part of that community!!
I’m having a tough time getting completely rock solid proof this is legit, but if it is, it’s a huge relief. Now, we just need to get to the bottom of the “made her eat the doo doo” incident.
Lastly, Look At This Cat’s Tail
Reader, when I tell you I gasped.
P.S. here’s that cool tattoo.
***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***