sexyfurby69

First Up, Taylor Swift Fans Are Angry At Tool

If you’ve never dealt with Swifties, I’d say they’re best described as earnestly deranged. A sampling for the uninitiated:

They’ve been in full-force online ever since Lover dropped last week. They’re not having a great time at the moment, however, because Tool came back from a 10-year hiatus and dropped Fear Inoculum which is currently beating Lover in the charts. This means that the Swifties are now 1) learning who or what Tool is and 2) becoming very frustrated that they’re beating their queen’s newest release. I tweeted about this a few days ago:

I made a big mistake doing this, however, because I forgot that Tool fans are even worse than Swifties. Now, a legion of juggalo-adjacent Reddit dads are in my mentions talking at me about how commercial music is these days. This is my favorite response:

A lot going on here. Although, I did learn that there is at least one person out there who keeps going into Tool’s Wikipedia and adding GWAR facts to it. Which rules. The moral of the story here is that, like the movie Aliens Vs Predator, when it comes to Taylor Swift vs Tool fans, we all lose.

Second, They’re Making A Live Action Lady And The Tramp

That’s cool. Hopefully it won’t look like this:

Next Up, A Cool New Instagram Account To Follow

Meet sexyfurby69. My friend Cates sent it to me and I really don’t like it. At all.

Just really cursed energy all around this. The comments are even worse than the content. Here’s a sampling of what people are posting on the video of above of sexyfurby69’s feet:

• “Ooooh I need to cool down after seeing that”

• “the foot”

• “suckable”

No thanks!

Speaking Of Sexy Furby, Let’s Talk About Masturbation

Ever wonder what would happen if you told your anti-jerking off app that you had, in fact, masturbated? Well, Twitter user @sexualjumanji decided to find out. I didn’t really know that push alerts could be this big. Pretty cool. I’m sure apps like this are probably harmless and probably help some folks, but it’s also important to point out here that a really militant section of the No Fap community are now calling themselves Semen Retainers and have more or less completely radicalized into fascists. Oh well.

Finally, Let’s Talk About Jeremy Renner

You’ve probably heard by now that Jeremy Renner both started and then ended a social network this month. The Avengers star created an app called Jeremy Renner. Cool name! It sorta looked like Instagram, I guess? It was, of course, quickly overrun by trolls. Renner got mad about it. Shut the whole thing down. Sad. Fun fact: this isn’t the first time Renner has had this exact thing happen to him.

If you’ve missed this entire thing, or at least, have only really heard about it in the abstract, here are some of my favorite moments from the Jeremy Renner app:

RIP King.

P.S. here’s that good cat.

***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***