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tfw your parents find your Thanksgiving homemade fleshlight
Read to the end for a good meatloaf recipe
4chan Reacts To Thanksgiving
It’s officially the holiday season. A time to reflect on where we’ve been and where we’re going. A moment to spend time with those closest to us and really take stock of what’s important. It’s also the beginning of one of my favorite yearly traditions — deranged NEETs on 4chan anxiously posting about having to finally face their families.
The above screenshot was one of the only posts I could find that didn’t involve weird incest fantasies or one of the Anons cracking and accidentally saying the N-word at the dinner table. It turns out it’s really hard to spend all of winter break pretending you weren’t radicalized into an anime nazi.
U-Haul Ships Elsa x Honeymaren
Earlier this week, a few Twitter users started speculating about Elsa’s sexuality in Frozen 2. I have not seen the movie, but apparently the big ship of the film is Elsa with Honeymaren, a member of the indigenous group who live within the Enchanted Forest near Arendelle. I have not seen Frozen 1, either, but I guess the sequel adds a lot of lore. The general consensus is that Elsa in the sequel is extremely gay:
U-Haul decided to jump into the conversation.
And then decided to double down on the whole thing.
So, if you’re moving soon and you’re an Elsamaren shipper, U-Haul’s got your back. I personally ship Jelsa, which is Elsa with Jack Frost from Rise Of The Guardians (duh), so I guess I have to use Penske next time I move.
Low Cost Cosplay Drops A Real Good One
Anucha “Cha” Saengchart is the genius behind the Low Cost Cosplay page and it sort of warms my heart to think he’s still going strong. He’s got a couple million followers now and still seems to be absolutely crushing it.
Here’s A Nice Comic About Black Cats
You know I’m a sucker for a beautifully drawn and very heartwarming web comic. I won’t embed the whole comic here, but you should click over and read the whole thread because the ending is great.
Let’s Talk About The Sex Sponges!
My friend Taylor posted these absolutely cursed Facebook screenshots the other day and they really are a lot to take in. In college, I was briefly neighbors with a former gang member who had done jail time, turned his life around, and got a football scholarship. He was living with a marine who had served in Iraq and then went back to school. As you can imagine their room was a really interesting place to hang out. They also, weirdly, had a lot of similar stories. We could take a moment here to interrogate the military-prison industrial complex that preys upon lower income young people in America, but I want to stay focused on the homemade fleshlight.
Both guys described seeing a similar device. It’s usually called a “fifi doll” or a “Suzy glove” and the most common way to make one is by stuffing plastic shopping bags into a sock and then coating the inside with moisturize or cocoa butter. There is, of course, a VICE article about it.
The Powerade Turkey Is Back
These photos usually go around every year. I’ve seen them pop up on Twitter and Instagram recently. I realize that there’s no real cultural memory on the internet, so there’s a really good chance that a lot of people don’t know what these are or where they came from.
You’re in luck! Instead of filling my brain with something useful, like learning how to play piano or becoming a doctor or whatever, I remember a lot of pointless internet junk. These also come from one of my favorite photosets. They were created by photographer Chris Maggio for a series he does called Male Chef. You can see the whole photo shoot here. It’s extremely unnerving.
Some Good Seasonal Emojipasta
Every year, I send my friends a bunch of completely unhinged text messages about Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is what I sent everyone yesterday:
Happy🙌 SPANKSgiving💦👅 you turkey🦃 ass hoe😂😍 I am thankful👌🙏 for that ass😛🍑 just like the pilgrims🎩 and the Indians🏕 you will😋 gobble🦃 gobble👅 gobble👄 on that DICK😩🍆 ONLY😤 if you send📬 this to 1️⃣0️⃣ of your BADDEST HOEkies🦃💦😎 if you get 0️⃣ back you an ugly😂 bitch😐 if you get 5️⃣ back you a bad🙅 thot💅 if you get 🔟 back you a thankful🙌 ass🍑 bitch😂👅💘‼️ If you don't😳 send📩 this to 🔟 HOES👯 you won't❌ get ANY0️⃣ DICK for DICKember⛄️❄️ and Santa🎅🏼 will be giving you COAL🌑⛏ instead of HEAD😋💦
Which is pretty good. But Twitter user @yayayamie has me beat. She sent me this absolute work of art yesterday and I need to share it with all of you.
I 👁 actually 😳 decided 👯 to 💦 go 🏃 to 💦 Thanksgiving 🍁 dinner 🍟 this 👈 year 🎉 in 👏 my 👨 fursuit. When 🍑 I 👁 walked 🚶 in 👏 the 👏 door 🚪 my 👨 step 👞 daddy 👨 gave 🎁 me 😭 a 👌 weird look 👀 but 🍑 I 👁 ignored 😒 him. 👴 Then 😮 my 👨 stupid 💩 step-cousin started 💢 laughing 😅 that 😐 I 👁 was 👏 wearing 👙 a 👌 diaper 💩 over 👏 my 👨 suit and 👏 I 👁 screamed 😫 at 🍆 him 👴 that 😐 he 👨 was 👏 being 😑 furryphobic as 🍑 fuck 🍆 towards me 😭 , and 👏 that 😐 I 👁 identify 🔬 as 🍑 a 👌 crinkler both 🌜 in 👏 body 💃 and 👏 in 👏 pronoun. So 💯 anyway 🔛 when 🍑 they 👥 started 💢 serving the 👏 Turkey 🍗 every 👏 person 🚫 who 😂 took 👫 the 👏 meat 🍆 I 👁 whispered 😮 "You're 👉 dead" under 😡 my 👨 breath 😷 as 🍑 they 👥 didn't 🚫 recognize 🌚 the 👏 sacrific of 💦 the 👏 6 🕕 million 😂 Algonkin Indians 💩 who 😂 died 💀 so 💯 they 👥 can 💦 eat 👉 that 😐 meat. 🍆 When 🍑 they 👥 were 👶 about 💦 to 💦 eat 👉 I 👁 started 💢 making 👧 my 👨 best 👌 Rick Sanchez impersonations but 🍑 they 👥 didn't 🚫 get 🔟 it 💯 due to 💦 them 💦 being 😑 ignorant 😂 as 🍑 fuck. 🍆 Finally 🙏 when 🍑 they 👥 started 💢 talking 🗣 about 💦 how 💯 my 👨 step-cousin got 🍸 his 💦 first 👆 job 😕 I 👁 laughed 😂 that 😐 he 👨 was 👏 some 👨 wage-cuck and 👏 that 😐 when 🍑 the 👏 communist 😈 revolution 💥 comes 💦 he 👨 will 👏 be 🐝 sorry. 💔 Suddenly my 👨 step 👞 daddies 👨 dad 👴 bursts into 👉 anger 😡 and 👏 he 👨 started 💢 calling 📲 me 😭 a 👌 freak 😈 and 👏 I 👁 just 👏 picked up 🔺 the 👏 mash potatoes and 👏 threw it 💯 in 👏 his 💦 face 😀 and 👏 scream 😱 "Bash the 👏 Fash". I 👁 was 👏 then 😮 put 😏 in 👏 a 👌 headlock but 🍑 my 👨 fursuit protected me 😭 because 💁 the 👏 mouth 💋 piece 🍗 is 💦 operated with 👏 my 👨 hand. 👋 So 💯 I 👁 was 👏 able 💪 to 💦 flee like 💖 in 👏 my 👨 favorite 📑 episode of 💦 Ricky and 👏 Morty. 👏 I 👁 hid in 👏 the 👏 bushes and 👏 when 🍑 he 👨 was 👏 being 😑 wheeled away 😐 by 😈 the 👏 paramedics I 👁 cheered as 🍑 he 👨 was 👏 a 👌 WW2 vet so 💯 that's 😦 like 💖 a 👌 50% 👌 chance 🚫 he 👨 was 👏 a 👌 nazi. 🙅
I Promised We’d Talk About The Incest Folgers Ad
Thus begins our 4-part Garbage Day series on Folgers’ “Brother Sister”. For the uninitiated, watch the ad. Soak it in. Feel the weird simmering tension. Next week, we’re diving in.
P.S. here’s that good meatloaf recipe.
***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***