Thank you everybody for sending me your horny coronavirus chain texts
Read to the end for a cool dog
Sorry this is late. Everything has obviously been really crazy this week. I hope everyone is safe and quarantined. If any of you are looking for some interesting internetty stuff to read about the outbreak, I’ve got a thread with all my serious work in it. I’ve mainly been focusing on three threads: Trump’s base trying to hijack the news cycle, American platforms struggling to fight a sea of misinformation, and how China’s web culture is reacting to censorship.
I’ll be adding to it as things develop and if any of you Extremely Online shut-ins see anything you’d like me to look into, please shoot me an email!
Alright, Let’s Talk About Mr. Boop
Maybe you’ve seen this pop up across your timeline and had no idea what it was that you were looking at. The cartoonist, Alec Robbins, started it back in February, and it’s only getting more and more demented as it goes on. There’s a whole mid-section where Bugs Bunny tries to kill him so he can sleep with Betty Boop. It’s an amazing thing, constantly teetering on the edge of total madness. Really excited to see where it’s headed.
Mulan Does Not Eat A Huge Hoagie In The New Live-Action Remake
Director Be Mekler tweeted this review of the new Mulan movie. If you aren’t looking very closely, it seems like a normal review. When I first read it, I missed the thing about a giant hoagie in the last sentence. Mekler also doubled-down and tweeted a whole thread about how the studio behind the movie went into crunch time a la Sonic to make the sequence. Well, it seems like a bunch of outlets also missed the weird final sentence because, uh…
There’s a bunch more duped outlets in his thread. For what it’s worth, these places don’t really have an excuse. This is not the first time Mekler has done this.
An Extremely Important Coronavirus Update
Everyone On Tumblr Is Spreading A Hoax (Meme?) That Joe Biden Buried A Dog Alive
This is going to take a bit of explaining, but I’ll try and get through it as fast as I can. The thing went so far that Snopes even debunked it. Which, like, OK guys. The Snopes article doesn’t actually go all the way back. The whole thing started when someone made a post reversing GIFs of a dog being freed after being buried beneath pavement — which someone joked had been by Joe Biden. I can’t find the post, because Tumblr is a rat’s nest, but take my word for it.
Anyways, then that led to the fake screenshot:
Which then led to memes like this:
So now you know. Joe Biden did not bury a dog alive with bricks, but there are a ton of memes about it.
Another Important Coronavirus Update
And Finally, The Chain Texts
Alright, so thank you all for sending me these. You’re all insane. Love you lots. So far I’ve seen three varieties of horny coronavirus chain text, let me know if you see any others out there.
The new bitch in town:
Achoo! 🤧 There’s a new 💃🏻bitch 💃🏻in town and she’s ready to get sickening🦹🏻♀️😈. Her name is 🤧covid-19 (yes she’s legal😩🤪) and she’s 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 your average 😜 😈 🔥sinfluenza🔥😭😜. She’s got the 🌎 global 🌍 💰 economy 💶 on its 🥺 knees 🥺and we’re just 💃🏻 her nasty😫😪 lil subs 🍑asking 🥺for our 👮🏻mommy 💋💄🦹🏻♀️dominasicks 🦹🏻♀️to give 😮 🍆 it to us 🤤 . 👀 Symptoms 👀 include 🥵getting hot 🔥 and 💧🥵😮bothered, 😭 😮shortness of breath😈😜 and 🤤dripping 💦all over. Not interested in this 💁🏻♀️Hoerona Queen? 👸🏼Then wash 🧽 those 👀filthy 👏🏼hands 😭for twenty ⏰ sexonds, top 😈🍆and bottom🍑🥺. Maintain 👼safe sexual 👹 distance and stock up on tissues 🤧 and lotion (🍆✊🏻💦for your dry hands 😉 ). Send to 🔟healthy 😇baddies 💃🏻, get 7️⃣back and you’re 👼squeaky clean👼. Get 4️⃣ back and you’re under 👯♀️whorentine👯♂️. Get 2️⃣ and 👨🏼🦳bill da 🍑 bussio 🍑💦just declared you a state of 🚨🤤cumergency 🤤🚨
Get ready for the pandickmic:
🚨 🦠 HEY THOTZ 🦠 🚨 📢📢 😂 📢 GET READY FOR THE 😷 😷 PANDICKMIC!!! 🚨 all you badass bitchterium sluts 🦠🦠🦠 💦 Cockrona virus 💦 😷 szn is here and you know what that means! 🦠 😂 🦠 Getting 😷 cumantined 🙌 with your boys, spraying your 💦 oral secretions 💦 on your hoes 🍑 getting choked so hard you 💥 🍑 EXPLODE. 💦 💥 🍆 💥 🍆 💥💦🦠 Travel advisory in full effect from 🈵vachina🇨🇳 ➡️ ☣️titaly🇮🇹🚫‼️ 😂‼️ 😂‼️ Hop off that plane ✈️ and hop 🔛 this dick! 😂 🍆 😷 If you wanna get dicked 🍆 down by 🍑 🙌 CUMVID-19 🙌 send this to 19 of your dirtiest whores. 👀 👀 Or else you’re gonna get 🍆BUTT FUCKED 🍆 by the CDC. 🧬🦠🦠 😂🦠
And finally, Arma-GETTIN that POON:
ACHOO!! what was that, sexy? 😏😏😩 don’t you know the WHOREable 👎coronavirus is CUMMING to ASSmerica? 🇺🇸🤢🤕 🤒🤤 that means NO more COLD CORONAS 🙅♂️🍺🙅♀️🍻with the HOEmies, ONLY gator-RAIDing that p😼ssy 🙌🙌 more than your 👃nose👃 is gonna get BLOWN 😩🍆💦 the BREAST doctor DADDIES 👨⚕️🙈😰 from the WORLD HOE ORGANIZATION 🌎🤤🤤 and the C-D-SEMEN 😙👄 are calling HOE-VID19 a potential PANTYdemic 👙👀 they’re checking you out ✅😜🦠🔬 of the emergenSLUT room 🏥💋 and into 🔜 quaranPENIS 🚨🚒 it’s time to see what that mouth do 😏👅😤 put that throat to work 😳🥵 and avoid getting too HOT🔥🔥 and BOTHERED 🤒🥴 it’s imporTAINT to wash your hands…AND that DICK 🍆🍆🤚👏❕ time⌚️⏰ to stop being a DIRTY 😬🤧 slut and start TWERKING FROM HOME 😈😈😈 SPREAD your LEGS🤸♂️ but NOT❗️❗️❗️❗️ SIMPness 🤢🤢 because we’re only Arma-GETTIN that POON 😝🍑🤗 so lets get electroLIT 🤪⚡️❗️rock your SEXY antiBODY 💃 strip SNEEZE 👏💵👠 with your MASK 😷 ON 🔛💯👌 and don’t get TRUMPED 🍊🍊🍊by this virASS 🤝🤝 SEND THIS TO 10 other coronavirus CUNTS 👄💦 otherwise you’ll get an IN-FUCK-TION 🍆🍑🦠
P.S. check out this cool dog.
***Any typos you notice in this email are on purpose actually***