Welcome To The Chimp Zone: Primate Portal

Read to the end for a guy experiencing “Welcome To The Black Parade” for the first time

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These Cooking Videos Have An Extremely Chaotic Energy To Them

Czn farkıyla Sürpriz Yumurta sever misiniz?❤️🤗😂🙈🥩.
TAG YOUR FRIENDS🤗😂🙈🥩🥚
BU YEMEĞİ SEVEN ARKADAŞINI YORUMDA ETİKETLE🥚🥚🥚🙈🥩🥩.
#hatay #hataysofrasi #hataymedeniyetlersofrasi #antakya #turkey #türkiye #istanbul #dubai #saudi #kuwait #bahrain #lebanon #qatar #doha #czn #cznburak #kebap #künefe #chocolate #video #moscow #iran #palestine #irak
December 15, 2019

For those of you who don’t want to click through and watch the above video, a man staring directly into the camera melts big slabs of chocolate, shapes the melted chocolate into a gigantic egg, and then he proceeds to use an axe to chop a hole in the massive chocolate egg and pulls out an equally big teddy bear. An extremely unsettling song plays in the background the whole time.

This video is on my Tumblr dashboard a lot. For months, I’d be scrolling at night and then there he was, silently staring at me, attacking a chocolate egg with an axe. Here’s another video where he makes a gigantic cheeseburger with a sword.

If you’ve watched this dude’s videos you’ve probably already noticed there’s a weird frame rate thing happening in them, as well. He sorta moves like a sleep paralysis demon.

It turns out his name is Burak Özdemir and he goes by CZNBurak online. He’s a Turkish restauranteur and it seems as though he’s especially popular in Brazil. I only knew him as the weird big food guy from Tumblr, but he’s a bonafide viral celebrity in Turkey. He has 16 million followers on Instagram, a million on YouTube, and 25 million followers on TikTok. Özdemir’s restaurants specialize in food from the Hatay region and the reviews on Trip Advisor for one of his restaurants are pretty good!

As for why he’s constantly smiling at the camera, I’m not totally clear on that. Turkish media has even written about it. Best I can tell, it’s a way to flex that he doesn’t have to look at his hands while cutting his giant food with huge swords and axes? Last summer he went through a brief phase where he made a bunch of videos without smiling and people were pretty freaked out.

Three Good Tweets On The Bella Thorne OnlyFans Controversy

You’re Finally Awake Memes Are Giving Me An Existential Crisis

These kinds of memes have been around forever. In fact, I was making this exact kind of joke in college — the year the meme above wants me to imagine I’m back in. Which I think really says something about the constant state of misery millennials have lived in basically their entire lives. Everything keeps getting worse but that doesn’t mean we can’t be nostalgic for the previously less bad thing we lived through! Which could mean we might start being nostalgic for COVID summer 2k20? A horrifying thought.

The level of specificity some of these are getting is really uncomfortable. It’s like they’re unlocking memories I thought I had buried years ago. Like this one from the Facebook Group I did it all for the limp bizkit memes.

These memes are also getting weirder and stranger, as they often do. And many are beginning to fantasize about a period even earlier the early-to-mid-00s. I found this one on Tumblr, but according to Know Your Meme it was first posted to “The Chimp Zone: Primate Portal,” which I’ve just learned is a Facebook Group for monkey enthusiasts.

All Hail The Osaka Expo Logo!

The logo for the World Expo 2025 in Osaka, Japan, was unveiled last week. According to graphic designer Tamotsu Shimada, it’s supposed to resemble DNA and also look like the Expo 1970 Osaka logo, which was cherry blossoms. The result, though, is closer to some kind of disgusting homunculus covered in eyes. Sora News 24 has a good quote from Hiroyuki Ishige, the secretary-general of the Expo’s planning committee.

“The logo is an asymmetrical design, which incorporates Osaka’s spirit of fun, and it feels strange in a good way,” he said. “Moving past the confines of logos, and moving past the confines of the coronavirus, I hope it will open up a path to a new world.”

Move past your corporeal body of flesh! Become one with the Osaka eyeball monstrosity. Anyways, Japanese Twitter is having a lot of fun with the logo.

As many have pointed out, Osaka’s Lovecraftian eye monster isn’t a total shock. Osaka has a habit of picking mildly terrifying art pieces to showcase the expo. They built this accursed monument for the 1970 expo. Which I believe Shinji fought early on in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Even better, one Twitter user has drawn them meeting to, I assume, cause the apocalypse.

A Guy Wrote A 27,000-Page Chronology Of Resident Evil

A Garbage Day reader named Molly sent this to me this week and it’s totally nuts. TheBatMan, the man behind this project, has been working on it for close 14 years. It began on the Resident Evil fansite Biohaze.

You can check out the whole thing here. It’s organized as a series of PDFs and it starts “5-7 million years” before the games start.

Eurogamer, earlier this month, did an interview with TheBatMan. His chronology only uses lore from Resident Evil releases from Capcom Japan and does not include anything from the Paul W.S. Anderson movies. The craziest part of the whole thing, in my opinion, is that apparently there aren’t a ton of inconsistencies in the fictional history of the Resident Evil franchise. Here’s what TheBatMan told Eurogamer:

There are several small discrepancies with dates, which is understandable given how many canonical games there are, but overall, the series is remarkably consistent given how large it is now and how many different writing teams have been involved. Minor examples include some sources having the discovery of the Progenitor Virus as 1967 instead of 1966, Alexander Ashford's disappearance in 1982 instead of 1983, and Raccoon's destruction date as 2nd October instead of 1st October.

And Finally, A Grim Warning

P.S. here’s a guy experiencing “Welcome To The Black Parade” for the first time.

***All typos in this email are on purpose actually***