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Trailblazers: The First Two Men To Ever Do A Podcast
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This week's guests (in order of appearance) are:
Julia Furlan, reporter and podcast host working for Vox Media
Katie Notopoulos, senior reporter for BuzzFeed News
My friend Geoff, just, like, a normal person
First, Letās Check In On Men
If you arenāt quite sure what youāre looking at, this is a āJawzrsize Total Transformation Kitā and it apparently costs $99.99. The one pictured above only has the āBeginner Blue Pop N Go,ā but according to their website, there are four? An Intermediate Green Pop N Go, Advanced Blue Custom Fit, and an Elite Green Custom Fit. Your next question is probably why anyone would need this. Well, ājawmaxingā or āgummaxingā is a pretty big Incel thing. Iām not going to link to their board, because itās all deranged nonsense, but hereās what a typical jawmaxing thread looks like:

This is, of course, like all incel-related concepts, just a twisted version of āface gains,ā which is pretty big on bodybuilding.comās forum (one of the last best dark corners of the internet). Hereās a good Mel story about face gains for those interested. Anyways, Iām not sure I trust _incelinside up there. Gonna buy the transformation kit and see if I can work my way up to the Elite Green Custom Fit before quarantine is over or I get crippling TMJ and need surgery.
Now, Letās Pick Apart The Oil Graph Video
Alright, there is a lot going on here. So Iām going to take this slow because itās a real rats nest of content.
The graph is the price of oil. Duh. It cratered this week (or last week? All weeks feel the same now.) and people celebrated by making a bunch of memes about it because we all have brain damage.
Now, the song thatās playing you may have heard all over the place recently. Itās called āCaramelldansenā by Swedish music group Caramell. Except, itās not the original āCaramelldansenā ā itās a remix. A lot of people have mistakenly thought it was a nightcore remix of the song, but thatās not true either. Nightcore btw is a popular YouTube meme where people speed up the pitch and time of a song by 10-30% so it sounds like something youād hear on Dance Dance Revolution. You can usually tell itās a nightcore remix because the art for the video is a hot anime babe. My personal favorite of the genre is this nightcore remix of a screamo cover of Macklemoreās āThrift Shopā. I donāt want to talk about it.
Anyways, as I said, itās not a nightcore remix. Itās actually a remix done by the DJ Speedycake. Also, itās not the original dance for Caramellās song either. I canāt find a clip, but the original dance that went to āCaramelldansenā was featured in the background of a scene in the movie The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. The swinging hip dance that the anime girl is doing in the oil prices video is called a āPopotan dance,ā which named for a Japanese erotic dating simulator. In 2007, someone took the opening scene of the game and set it to the Speedycake remix of āCaramelldansenā and voila.
Now, I should note: Thereās a big Tumblr post about āCaralmelldansenā that goes around a lot and for some reason, one of the users in it said Speedycake is dead. He is not.
Right, so thatās the song and the dance. Honestly, not sure which anime the girl is from. But the pallbearers in the corner are actually a lot easier to explain. The footage comes from this BBC video. Theyāre from Ghana and Benjamin Aidoo, who leads the dancing troupe, told the BBC, āDo you want it solemn or do you want a bit more of a display? Or maybe you want some choreography on it?ā Hell yeah.
There you go! All of that to explain one Twitter video. Modern culture is fine.
Here Are Some Really Good Horse Owner Memes About COVID-19
Excellent.
A Good Reddit Post

(via r/funny)
Another Good Reddit Post

Itās an old one, but I just saw it and the internet is a non-linear space. So Itās new to me. Hereās my favorite answer:
Ok, so let's assume that there is no outdoors, only the man-made structure of a mcdonalds, connected via the exits to other mcdonalds. We can also assume that humans are not an intrinsic part of mcdonalds, but are inserted as part of the 10 million of each animal. Let's assume that the animals are comfortably distributed, grouped in breeding populations, occupying mcdonalds within a radius of a central, "starting mcdonalds". Let's assume that each mcdonalds has a full store of fresh food at the start of the scenario, but it does not replenish magically. Once a mcdonalds is empty, it stays empty.
We must ask, is there electricity, and are the mcdonaldses all wired together, or are they cut off? Are the lights on any kind of timer, or are they all manual and static? The big question here is: are there mcdonalds with multiple floors? And if so, are there more than one "plane" of mcdonaldses? Can you travel up and down infinitely, is there a "floor" level of mcdonalds, or is it just one thin, infinitely wide layer of mcdonalds?
Naturally, these variations will be vital in determining 1) which species have a high chance of surviving the first few years and 2) What long-term selective pressures will emerge after the initial bottleneck event.
If there is a floor level, and the mcdonalds extend upwards as well as outwards, then it will eventually fill up with soda, sewage, and waste from higher levels. The "starting" mcdonalds will be buried and lost relatively quickly, the vile ocean that drips from each level downward and then spreads, pouring out in every direction, along the infinite soggy bottom layer of Mcdonalds.
Now, in our dimension, Earth is only so big. You can only walk so far before something blocks your way, or you're back where you started. The Sun and geothermal energy introduce energy into the food chain, which becomes chemical energy for plants, herbivores, carnivores, etc. This is the basis for biological competition. But in Mcdonalds, these rules go out the window...and into the adjacent mcdonalds.
I think you would see that the nature of an infinite plane which always has more resources if you walk far enough, things would evolve to either be fast enough to get to the next unlooted Mcdonalds first, rushing in as loners, or swarming through as a stampede on a perpetual warpath. Any life that stays close to the starting point, or lives in de-stocked areas is going to have to be very efficient with the energy they have, because any "new" energy introduced to the ecology is solely through miraculously unspoiled big macs, cold fries, and soda slime bogs and rivers from the more and more distant untouched McDonalds, or alternatively through the electricity or flowing water of the building, if they have any.
I'd have to say that while these evolving organisms may look superficially familiar to us, we'd find that they'd quickly start to behave very differently, adopting new strategies to survive, and thrive in an infinite McDonald's.
A Very Bad TikTok
A Very Good TikTok
Irish People Refuse To Rat Out Matt Damon For The New York Times
Not sure if youāve been following this story, but Matt Damon is stuck in Ireland due to the coronavirus. The Irish have really embraced him as one of their own. Apparently, New York Times reporter Heather Murphy decided to hop on the Facebook page for the Irish town Damon is locked down in, hoping to get some quotes about what itās like to have the famous actor around town.

Well! It turns out the residents of Dalkey have become quite protective of Damon. The replies are pretty amazing.


For what itās worth, Murphy ended up writing the story and itās very adorable and worth a read.
An Update On That Ant LARPing Facebook Group
So last week, we took a look at the incredible Facebook Group, āA group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colonyā. Iām excited to say I have an update for you! I should note, that because the group is private, Iām not able to 100% verify this, but according to Tumblr user one-time-i-dreamt, they were able to get into the group and make a post. It did not go well!



If anyoneās in this group and can give me more updates on whatās happening in there, let me know! Letās get a spy in the colony.
Some guy opened a can of Spider-Man Chef Boyardee from 1995
These photos have been doing the rounds on Facebook for the last couple days and I finally figured out where they came from. It turns out theyāre from Dinosaur Dracula, a blogger who writes about 1980s toys, 1990s candy, holidays, and other kitschy stuff. Look, Iām going to warn you. These are absolutely awful. Scroll with caution!
You can check out the full thread here.
P.S. hereās a hedgehog doing American Ninja Warrior.
***All typos in this email are on purpose actually***
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